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SUBJECT: Today’s News
Dearly Beloved,
I know it’s been a rough morning so far. So jarring, in fact, that some of you may be questioning Me and My Father’s will. You may be staring at a TV or computer screen, realizing we've lost some key battles today. It certainly seems like a dark time is upon us.
If you were otherwise unaware, I am of course not talking about crushing poverty among families with children, or worker abuses in China, or government-sponsored massacres of citizens in Syria, or the erosion of human rights in Egypt, or fatal circumcisions and genital mutilations of young girls, or oppression of women in the Middle East, or child sex trafficking in southeast Asia. Those issues do not concern Me now, and you can rest assured that they will never interfere with our primary goals.
I need not remind you that those goals are, of course, keeping gay people from having sex and preventing women from not bearing children.
Let’s start with Texas, shall we? Hoo boy, I swear to Dad this was the LAST place I thought we’d have trouble keeping abortion from being safe and legal. I mean, y’all have done such a great job over the years -- no godless Democrat has been elected to statewide office in 19 years, and the GOP (God's Own Party) has had control of the State Assembly and Senate for as long as I can remember.
So how in the name of Me did you manage to screw this one up?
Early this morning, using stall tactics, the Texas Senate failed to pass a sweeping ban on abortion that would make it virtually impossible to commit homicide in utero within the state’s borders. Nearly all baby-murder clinics would have been forced to close, and practically every woman who became pregnant there would be required to carry her precious offspring to term, regardless of her desire or capability to care for the child. (Not to worry, your tax dollars would never be spent on providing said child with food or medical care after he or she is born. We only care about them before they exit the womb; then they’re somebody else’s problem.)
I know this has many of you and your congregants upset. Yea, fear not; for lo, I am the LORD thy God, and my servant Rick Perry has assured me that he will call another special session of the legislature, on the taxpayers’ dime, to ensure that this vital piece of legislation is finally passed. (I took the form of his hair dryer to talk with him this morning.) Amen.
Speaking of Texas, today marks exactly ten years since Satan used his influence over the Supreme Court to overturn the Texas sodomy law, which prevented the Lone Star State from arresting gay people for being gay. Dad was so mad that day, he was punting Seraphim left and right, let me tell you. He would have smote the entire state with fire and brimstone, but fortunately thou hast kept the anti-sodomy law on the books, even though it is totally unenforceable and demonstrably unconstitutional.
And lo, so it has come to pass, that ten years to the day after that terrible decision in Lawrence v. Texas, we have another Court catastrophe on our hands. For the court hath decided to strike down the Defense of Marriage Act and California Proposition 8. This, of course, means it will be much more difficult for us to prevent the sodomites from being married to one another, in the legal sense.
Perhaps what your American government needs is a better nation to model itself after. I have the perfect suggestion! It’s a country where the Word of God is law; where abortion and homosexuality are not only illegal, they are punishable by death; and where even merely insulting My Father or those who worship Him is a capital offense. I am, of course, talking about Pakistan. True, they have the wrong God in charge, but all you need to do is substitute that silly Qur’an with the Holy Bible, and you’re all set. (Just make sure it’s the right translation. You know the one.)
Now more than ever, I need you to fight back against this travesty. Remind your flocks of the consequences: tell them, for example, that now you may be required, by law, to perform gay marriages in your churches! Remind them that this has opened the floodgates for legalizing marriage between a man and a dog, or a man and many women! (No offense, Tommy.) Pat, get back on your show and predict that this will result in My Father sending a huge earthquake or a hurricane or a meteor or something. I’ll have a chat with Him this afternoon and see what we can do.
I know that some of what I’m suggesting might seem, well, “wrong” to you. After all, some might say you’d be lying to tell your congregations what I've mentioned. But remember, if you lie in defense of The LORD Almighty, El Shaddai, He Who Moves Mountains, or at Least He Would if Someone Asked Him to, Which Apparently No One has Done Lately Because No One has Ever Seen a Mountain Moved by Unexplained Forces, then you’re doing the right thing. This is, after all, the defense of MARRIAGE we’re talking about! And yes, I know that, maybe a couple thousand years ago, one of the only things I said about marriage was that My faithful servants should avoid marriage if they can; and I realize that the “definition of marriage” in My Holy Bible includes polygamy, sex slaves and rape; and back to my original point, I understand that My Father is responsible for the deaths of far more unborn babies than all abortions combined.
But I am the LORD Thy God, and even though I am all-powerful, I still need you to do My bidding.
Because, you know, I’m busy with other stuff.
-J.C.
