Unbearable

Vermont Teddy Bear Co.

IF YOU'VE WATCHED much late-night television lately, especially on news networks and male-oriented programming like Spike TV and Comedy Central, you've probably seen the ads for Vermont Teddy Bear Company.

These obnoxious commercials surface this time every year, to take advantage of the lazy, inconsiderate a**hole procrastinator guys who for some reason A.) are convinced that they must buy something for their girlfriend on Valentine's Day, and B.) forgot that they needed to do this before February 13.  The company offers a variety of teddy bears and teddy bear-themed matching products, such as pajamas and lingerie.

But they've really outdone themselves this year by saturating the early-morning airwaves with this brilliant marketing ploy:

Yes, guys, size really does matter.  As in the size of your wallet being inversely proportional to the size of your brain in order for you to cough up $99.99 plus S&H for this polyester excuse for a token of your affection.

Ladies, ask yourselves: would you really want to get a giant teddy bear for Valentine's Day, or any other occasion?  There are likely few, if any gifts with less value and utility than a six-foot-tall stuffed animal.  Imagine the love of your life, upon receiving this: seeing her eyes glaze over and her face drawing a blank look, staring bleakly and muttering "Oh, how thoughtful".  Yes, what she REALLY wanted this year was more clutter for her house or apartment.  You know, the sort of thing that you really want to display, right next to the 30-pound Spongebob and other crap you brought home from the county fair last summer.

As a matter of fact, gentlemen, I sincerely hope that if you DO decide that yes, a rotund ursine fabric and toxic stuffing product was the very best you could do this Valentine's Day, that you let me know in advance, so I can call your girlfriend on Friday and see what she's doing this weekend.