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| The Onion |
THAT CARNIVAL CRUISE nightmare last week was pretty bad, wasn't it? Okay, I mean, not "endless war and death" bad or "murderous oppression and torture" bad, but at least very unpleasant for a few thousand people. So you wouldn't be surprised to learn I refuse to ever set foot on a cruise ship.
But it's not just the Triumph mishap that has eliminated any possibility of me ever sailing the seas with thousands of other vacationers. I blame my career in TV news and interest in history for my acute thalassophobia. With apologies to my friend John, who works for a fine cruise line and who will assure you that my misgivings are misplaced, here are just a few reasons I won't ever be singing "If they could see me now" with Kathy Lee.
APRIL 15, 1912 - White Star Line's R.M.S. Titanic, on its maiden voyage, hits an iceberg and sinks, killing 1,502.
MAY 1, 1915 - Cunard Line's R.M.S. Lusitania is torpedoed by a German submarine; 1,198 passengers and crew are lost.
JULY 24, 1915 - The U.S.S. Eastland rolls over while docked in Chicago of all places, killing at least 844.
APRIL 18, 2005 - The Norwegian Dawn is smashed by a huge wave off the southeastern U.S. coast; four passengers are hurt and dozens more have their cabins and all their clothes ruined.
OCTOBER 5, 2005 - The Carnival-owned Seabourn Spirit is attacked by pirates off the coast of Africa. No one is hurt, but the ship is forced to abandon its voyage and abruptly ends what was actually a more-exciting vacation than the passengers hoped for.
FEBRUARY 26, 2010 - The Celebrity Mercury endures an outbreak of norovirus which sickens more than 400 passengers and crew with nasty puking and diarrhea.
NOVEMBER 2010 - The Carnival Splendor suffers an engine and power failure, leaving passengers and crew without plumbing or air conditioning and covered in their own filth for three days, until the crippled ship is towed to San Diego.
JANUARY 2012 - The Carnival-owned Costa Concordia hits a reef off the coast of Italy and partially capsizes, killing 32 passengers and crew.
DECEMBER 2012 - The Cunard Queen Mary 2 endures an outbreak of norovirus sickens 205 passengers and crew with nasty puking and diarrhea.
DECEMBER 2012 - The Emerald Princess endures an outbreak of... wait, you know what? There's no point in listing all the norovirus outbreaks here. The CDC has done it for us. For ALL 193 KNOWN CRUISE SHIP NOROVIRUS OUTBREAKS since 1999.
And finally, FEBRUARY 2013 - The Carnival Triumph suffers an engine and power failure, leaving passengers and crew without plumbing or air conditioning and covered in their own filth for five days, until the crippled ship is towed to Mobile, Alabama.
So yeah. I admit that the odds are not great in terms of a disaster or epidemic on any given cruise, but I can imagine few things worse than being sick or filthy with 4,000 strangers on a boat with ABSOLUTELY NO ESCAPE for a week. F*** that!
READ THIS
A Georgia woman spent several days searching for her missing adult son. She finally learned he had been killed in a hit-and-run accident when she got a message from the police. On Facebook.
Things are going to be very awkward around the WCBS-TV newsroom for a while.
Scandal! Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spent $2,700 in state funds in a year on ice cream.
WATCH THIS
I still don't like golf.
