Office of the Holy See
00120 Via del Pellegrino
Vatican City State, 00120
Dear Mr. Jackson,
Thank you for your interest in the position of Supreme Pontiff of the Holy Roman Catholic Church.
As you know, the Church is among the world's most-ancient and diverse organizations, with some 2,013 years of history and more than 1.1 billion active members. We pride ourselves on using the Grace of God, along with a thorough screening process, to find qualified candidates for positions within the Curia Romanus, up to and including our forthcoming vacancy for Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God.
You are no doubt aware that the College of Cardinals takes very seriously its role in electing the replacement to His Holiness Pope Benedictus XVI, Episcopus Romae. Being the direct successor to the Throne of Saint Peter is not a task lightly taken. Therefore, it is with regret we must inform you of our decision to decline your application for Pope.
In particular, we found several reasons for ultimately deciding against further review of your candidacy:
- In your application, you listed "get to wear awesome hats" and "canonical infallibility" as your primary reasons for seeking this position. While we are as much fans of the papal miter as anyone, we are concerned about your suggestion it could be improved by "adding a Dallas Cowboys star" or "going a little crazy with a Bedazzler". We also should inform you that while the Church dogma of Papal Infallibility does indeed state that the Pope is preserved from the possibility of error, this does not in fact grant him the ability to "win every lottery drawing by force" or "declare The Road Warrior as a fifth Gospel".
- There was some reservation among the College of Cardinals regarding your keen interest in exercising "Supreme executive power over all Catholics" and forming them into an army of "holy warriors" which we can only assume means the revival of the Crusades. The Church has long since apologized for this dark time in our history.
- The members of Church hierarchy are in absolute agreement that your proposal to rid the Church of child molesters by using "remote-controlled robot altar boys with bombs" that would detonate at the first sign of impropriety is unacceptable.
- Please be aware that the Papal title "Primate of Italy" is a religious one and does not, in fact, entitle you to "lordship over a host of gorillas, orangutans and bonobos" wearing friar and nun habits.
- It is at the very least questionable that you regard the Holy Bible, the foundation of our faith, as a "mix of allegory, fabricated history and terrible advice on how to raise livestock".
- While there is historical evidence that some previous popes, including Sergius III, John XII and Alexander VI engaged in rampant sexual deviancy we cannot accept your proposal that Ash Wednesday be renamed "Ass Wednesday" with Lent being replaced by "Forty Days and Forty Nights of WHORES AT SAINT PETER'S!!1!" (sic)
Most significant in our decision, however, was the fact that on Application Question 6, "Do you believe in God?" You checked the box next to "No". Regrettably, as per the Symbolum Apostolorum, of which the first directive is belief "in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth," we are unable to consider any candidate professing atheism.
We do hope you will not consider applying for any future openings with the Holy Roman Catholic Church.
Yours in Christ,
His Eminence Cardinal Giuseppe Bertello
Hiring Manager and President, Governate of Vatican City
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Joan of Arc; Mulan; Maria Toor Pakay.
